Review: Crank

First of all, apologies that this review is so late. If i thought that a single other soul had been hard at work, then decided to spend some of that hard-earned money on going to see this film, then may a thousand misfortunes plague me for eternity.

I can't remember that last time I really felt like walking out of a cinema- in fact, i don't think I ever have. After all, how can you criticise a film you've not seen all the way through? But two-thirds of the way through 'Crank', the latest with gruff whispering shorthouse Jason Statham, I was so gasping for daylight and real human contact that i almost- almost - did.

But let's be fair- Jason Statham's only mistake was saying 'Yes' to this film. After all, Transporter I and II weren't bad. Fun even. The real criminal prosecution should surely be served upon writers/directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, previously ad men who clearly have issues.

But what can be so bad, you're asking? Well, the plot is simple: JS has been injected with a lethal cocktail that will mean he will die if his adrenaline level drops. So far, so Speed. But what could have been a clever, real-time race against town starts off that way, then suddely decide it would be more fun to shock and offend everyone who might be watching.

Statham's character quickly shows himself to be really not very nice at all. Yes, he's a hitman but he crashes through a hospital knocking patients out the way and pointing guns at doctors. He then steals an Arab man's cab and to distract passers-by, throws him to the ground and yells "Al-Quaida!". And then, when his girlfriend doesn't believe his story, he decides the best way to prove it would be to basically to rape her outside in front of hundreds of people.

But when the directors aren't trying to make the teenage Beavis and Buttheads in the audience grunt with laughter, their style is so frenetic it makes your head spin. But all the handheld camera shots, 80's Nintendo graphics and use of Google maps just try and disguise the unrelenting awfulness of this film. And the 80's straight to Betamax finale and poorly CGI'd final scene feels like a huge 'gotcha' to the audience- 'ha ha, we made you watch it all!'

You can wash, but after watching this film, you won't be clean.